Christian Dating Advice: How to Navigate Proposals as a Young Lady (Part 4)

 My Tears are Angry.

The evening Hadassah put a phone call through to Jessica was ethereal. Ever since Dans Akins had intimated her about his sudden break up with Jessica, Hadassah was still finding it difficult to understand them. In her eyes, they depicted the perfect picture of true love and compatibility, all through the years they had been together, she was softly and secretly waiting for Dans to propose. She had always thought that since Dans was still schooling, it would be pretty difficult to bear the barrage of responsibilities that marriage would bring, sometimes, she would subtly hint that Dans should plan the much awaited proposal with her. She was damn ready to be included in the happy-show for her friend. 

To her, Jessica had been very faithful to him. “What could have gone wrong now?” She sighed as she braced up for to hear the worst from Jessica, yet she wished things would change.

“How could you, Jessica? And to say that you didn’t inform me?” Hadassah asked, without any form of preambles.

There was a pause. A very light one; but Jessica took that moment to weigh her words.

“See , Hadassah, I don’t understand why I did what I did, but I feel it is the right thing to do”

“Right thing?” 

“Yes”

“Jessica c’mon! This has gone on for years, he’s been no joker all these while. I mean the love, attention, trust and care weren’t just for fun. He was really damn serious about you”

“Really! I wish you had mention that, a tiny bit of jealousy is a mother to the dreaded form of distrust”

 “I don’t get you, men are wired to be sometimes jealous about their treasure. Was Dans ever jealous in a strange way?” Hadassah gawked.

                                                    

                                                                            ***

As rebellion is likened to the sin of witchcraft, so is jealousy.

To say that Dans Akins secretly watch out for her phone calls each time they were together started to amaze her. He would even pay an undivided attention to any voice that resonated in a manly way. He was beginning to pester her to know if there were any other man in her life - he was that cynical.

Well, she had braced up and accepted it as the norm; especially for guys who felt insecure like him- the ones who get jittery whenever they have their women climbing up the ladder of success faster than them. Soon, he began to ask her for things he knew she would not readily agree to. He started asking her to come spend the nights at his lodge. She agreed once and that was after failed attempts at caressing and smooching. In that closed arena of his room, things that could have happened didn’t happened because in her heart- she had failed God by coming to his lodge. 

She would not want to anger Him twice. It thus pass, but to him there was never a remorse felt for the things she already chose not to do.

Jealousy was breeding in his heart and he felt the cheapest way he could justify it was to start off with his own pound of flesh taking. Jealousy had opened his eyes to see that he should deserve better than her other admirers. As far as Jessica was concerned, there were no other ‘man/men’ in her life. It had always been Dans Akins.

Indeed , jealousy breeds distrust.

                                                                          ***

In the months that followed after Dans Akins began to exhibit the traits of insecurities. They had this conversation the day she was about leaving his lodge

“Dans, remember we were never like this?”, Jessica cleared her throat for an attention.  It all happened that she had only spent one night with him alone. The first time in the night that they were ever left alone.

“What are you thinking? 

"Is it the kiss?” 

“Yes and many other”

“Well, I think you should browse up online, and tell me how or where a relationship ever went smoothly without physical touches being involved”

“Only if you can remember how sinful it is!”

“I know. I know all this, but can’t ours be different? At least I will be very careful”

“Very careful”, she heaved.

 If he meant the occasional slight pull of her bra strap, when she had sat at his reading table then he was being ‘careful’ from his angle. 

If he had wisely handled the image her panty lines mentally sketched, yet masked by a soft cotton nightdress, then he was more ‘careful’. 

What about the moment he struggled with her for a wet kiss and in a failed response, he forcefully glued his body to hers. And in her struggling state, she felt his stiff ‘man’ against her body, maybe then, he was most ‘careful’.

Maybe. Just maybe.

                                                                      

                                                                             ***

Three weeks after the proposal from Mr. Emmanuel, Dans brought Jessica on a date to the Blue bird eatery. She was just home for the usual yuletide break and he could not wait to set his eyes on her, hence this meeting. She honored it by looking her prefered best and bringing in her most cheerful self.

Finally she seemed to have let all hell loose, when she told him about her many proposals and the overhead dangling Mr. Emmanuel’s. She had wanted to suggest they pray more. At least to be super sure of their convictions. But he shrugged first and intoned that it wasn’t all that necessary.

“We can’t be testing the waters at this stage, Dans” 

“Did I say we are ?”

“But you implied it” 

“You think so.”

Instantly, a bite of the roundly baked doughnut turned sour in her mouth. Where on earth was her relationship with Dans Akins heading to? As much as Mr. Emmanuel’s proposal edged into her very being. She wouldn't be disloyal if Dans would just put up a serious attitude to their future.

If he were only an inch serious…

It was a relationship of solid five years and counting. Where she had invested her trust, care, friendship, loyalty and trust. Sometimes, she painstakingly invested cash.

“Please ,let’s talk about this some other time”

“I hope some other time comes up quickly”, Jessica thought. In the calm recess of her mind, she knew this was going to be a personal branding. She was going to enter her closet - work on herself, pray about herself and believe in herself. Afterwards, she could boldly ask for her kind of man. She would be in no duty to revamp Dans

 Akins, because red lights were always meant for danger signs.

And are still for danger signs….

The remaining moments spent together swiveled around words that had lost its luster.

 

                                                                        ***

“Hadassah dear”, Jessica lovingly called over the phone, “I believe you now see reasons why I left Dans Akins”

“Thank God you detected the red signs. I am happy it was worth it.”

“Me too.”

“But don’t you feel sad sometimes about the whole scenario?”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean how could you have invested so much in a relationship and afterwards found out that it was only a ‘pack of cards’ all along.”

“It sure does amazes me, this is why I think any journey to marriage should be prayerfully considered FIRST and not just hop on it because of the face value.”

 “That’s a lesson one must abide with. It is the prayerfully- seeking that leads to courtship, NOT dating to test the waters.”

“You got it Hadassah! I am so glad we could see this from the same perspective”

“But wait Jessica, I want to believe that you are not into any other, so soon?”

“No, dear. Not even Mr. Emmanuel’s . This time, I am going to take my time to pray well before doing any choosing.”

“Who is Mr. Emmanuel?”

“One of the fellowship brothers during our undergraduate days. He proposed about a month ago. That doesn't mean he was the reason I broke up with Dans. It's just that carving a bearing in any relationship is very important”

“Sure, I do understand. Let us talk more about Mr. Emmanuel later. My mum’s is on the line.”

                                                                         ***

Strange!

As soon as the call ended, welled-up tears burned in her eyes. They didn’t pour down like two streams, so she could be relieved from its heaviness. They rather lingered and made her heart bled. She had carefully evaded the question Hadassah had asked ‘don’t you feel sad at times?’. But now, the answer stared right at her. 

Six years of ‘contract’ building was no joke. 

Six years of undisputed love.

Six years of setting clear boundaries on her part. 

Six solid years of taking her time to nurse feelings.

She squinted her eyes for the heaviness to leave them. But they didn’t flow- because her tears were angry. 

Very angry with her.

She wished against wishes that God could redesign Dans Akins. He was the one she had fallen in love with, early in life. He was the one she had built a ‘contract’ with. God doesn't FORCEFULLY repackage a man, who is never willing to be repackaged- by the way,  those kind of people seemed to be full of themselves. 

Finally, God heeded to her cries, but He was only planning a better covenant building.